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For more information or scheduling
For more information or scheduling
We unite to create!
The question becomes, what are we creating?
Happiness is a Series of Choices
Individuals (27 years old and older)
I work with adults from a variety of classes and cultures, who find that they use avoidance and emotional distancing to protect themselves from uncertainty or from expressing who they truly are. With little inquiry, we find some people take simple ideas and turn them into beliefs. These presumed narratives turn worlds upside down leading to dread, blame, withdrawal and other uncomfortable emotional states.
Together, you and I can uncover ways for you to take ownership of your genuinely experienced feelings. How?
Two Basic Ideas
One is that needs are necessities and these are nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
The second is the idea that true satisfaction and forgiveness are each a gradual process.
Emotional soundness settles in when we repeatedly acknowledge true limits. And it's these mental and physical limits that keep us balanced, if we will listen! The more we realistically communicate the two basic ideas above, the more others begin to respond better to them in us too.
Self-limiting Concepts
These get reinforced every time we give ourselves permission to lead a life of minimum expectation. If we mostly rely on negativity as the answer, than health becomes profoundly affected by low self-esteem, broken agreements, and difficult moments.
I work with adults from a variety of classes and cultures, who find that they use avoidance and emotional distancing to protect themselves from uncertainty or from expressing who they truly are. With little inquiry, we find some people take simple ideas and turn them into beliefs. These presumed narratives turn worlds upside down leading to dread, blame, withdrawal and other uncomfortable emotional states.
Together, you and I can uncover ways for you to take ownership of your genuinely experienced feelings. How?
Two Basic Ideas
One is that needs are necessities and these are nothing to feel guilt or shame about.
The second is the idea that true satisfaction and forgiveness are each a gradual process.
Emotional soundness settles in when we repeatedly acknowledge true limits. And it's these mental and physical limits that keep us balanced, if we will listen! The more we realistically communicate the two basic ideas above, the more others begin to respond better to them in us too.
Self-limiting Concepts
These get reinforced every time we give ourselves permission to lead a life of minimum expectation. If we mostly rely on negativity as the answer, than health becomes profoundly affected by low self-esteem, broken agreements, and difficult moments.
We are what we pretend to be,
so we must be careful about what we pretend to be
-Kurt Vonnegut
so we must be careful about what we pretend to be
-Kurt Vonnegut
Simple Things
High Internal Presence
Want to know what a healthy boundary looks like?
Healthy boundaries have no symptoms
Want to know what positive self-regard looks like?
Focusing on your skills more than your faults
Want to know the difference between thinking and feeling?
Emotions tend to be one word | Emotions reside in the body
Thinking tends to be a description | Thinking resides in the brain
Want to know the difference between solitude and loneliness?
Solitude is chosen, i.e., inner self-connection with a felt sense of presence and containment
Loneliness is unchosen, i.e., inner self-disconnection with a felt sense of alienation and emptiness
Silence has its own form of stimulation with each, and serves to endorse the specific state/condition: solitude or loneliness.
Want to know what a healthy boundary looks like?
Healthy boundaries have no symptoms
Want to know what positive self-regard looks like?
Focusing on your skills more than your faults
Want to know the difference between thinking and feeling?
Emotions tend to be one word | Emotions reside in the body
Thinking tends to be a description | Thinking resides in the brain
Want to know the difference between solitude and loneliness?
Solitude is chosen, i.e., inner self-connection with a felt sense of presence and containment
Loneliness is unchosen, i.e., inner self-disconnection with a felt sense of alienation and emptiness
Silence has its own form of stimulation with each, and serves to endorse the specific state/condition: solitude or loneliness.
KJ is an LA based psychotherapist meeting with Californians online.
Be mindful of consumption and consumerism
thing, item, article, person, or substance are not the feelings themselves
🧶
they are a placeholder for feelings related to attachment, worthiness, and belonging
Before Everyone Leaves
Some clients come to me presenting a "badass" exterior. They might use harsh language or tone, be covered in ink, or function inside an addiction. Others work or caretake into oblivion, all the while believing that those around them could not survive or would not stay without the client's undying efforts, engagement, time, or money.
And sometimes they're right.
Through mapping, these clients uncover a part of themselves that had been intentionally buried some time ago. They begin to grasp how they rarely felt genuinely cared for; as a result, they could not comfortably be who they actually were deep down, much less ask for what they honestly needed or wanted.
To do so would have resulted in insult, neglect, denial, and even cruelty—each weaving shameful guilt and fear into them, one stitch at a time.
Yes, some of the toughest, most self-reliant folk are lifelong people pleasers who have been masking for a lifetime— unaware of the cycles and built-in barriers housed deep inside them.
⎯
PEOPLE PLEASING and
the SHAME | FEAR CYCLE
Emotions work in two directions simultaneously.
Fear acts as the fuel for the loop, while shame acts as the cement that keeps it stuck.
PEOPLE PLEASING and
the SHAME | FEAR CYCLE
Emotions work in two directions simultaneously.
Fear acts as the fuel for the loop, while shame acts as the cement that keeps it stuck.
Consistent lack, or loss of protection and care in early development attaches shame to fear. This combo can develop into 'self reliant' people, specifically those who don't/won't ask for help or who won't acknowledge their own troubles with others as adults
RE-ENACTMENT
Repetition Compulsion (leads to intrusive thinking)
Fear of abandonment versus the shame of unworthiness --or--
Shame shudders at the past as fear frightfully anticipates the future.
Shame based Fear
Feeling trapped or engulfed by a person/situation and we believe that sharing this will disappoint/displease them.
Fear based Shame
By acknowledging our own needs, we instantly feel regret, and then we fear new trouble will be on the way because of it.
Now Fear returns with Shame
We feel unease, believing that since we acknowledged our own needs, then that acknowledgment equates to: we didn't hold up our end, and we now aren't able to accept ourselves.
Everything About Me is Unacceptable
FEAR
I'm not going to be ok, I can't keep this up. Low grade panic becomes unrelenting.
➖
NEEDS
are finally acknowledged and expressed by you, and/or action is taken by you.
➖
SHAME
Why didn't I try harder? That disclosure/request was unacceptable and unforgivable. Chronic remorse bites down.
We become terrified to let others down but inevitably run out of tolerance for our own discomfort. Seeking relief, we divert our exhaustion with immediate and ongoing options, such as, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, affairs, and yes, hours upon hours of social media. These all reliably lead back to shame because very little is actually getting processed anywhere. You're just a walking nerve trying to hold back and hold on. Until you can't.
For some, this results in staying out of relationships so as to keep the stress level down and to stop the cycle. For others, it leads to problematic dating and an inability to peacefully be your own person when with another. Or, you love bomb and ultimately are the one who walks away!
One final note about what fear can become -
Hate is the exact measure of fear...
...I often hear clients claim their "ex is a narcissist" when, in fact, the client is a classic people pleaser who unfortunately got buried again by the fear/shame cycle. When each of us investigates our own fears, we begin to decrease the urge to generalize, criticize, dehumanize, and feel righteous in our own hate.
Hatred is an intense emotional response that is generally characterized by a desire to avoid, oppose, or destroy.
And I am sorry to hear that you and your former partner were unable to figure things out; after all, you really enjoyed them at one point.
Repetition Compulsion (leads to intrusive thinking)
Fear of abandonment versus the shame of unworthiness --or--
Shame shudders at the past as fear frightfully anticipates the future.
Shame based Fear
Feeling trapped or engulfed by a person/situation and we believe that sharing this will disappoint/displease them.
Fear based Shame
By acknowledging our own needs, we instantly feel regret, and then we fear new trouble will be on the way because of it.
Now Fear returns with Shame
We feel unease, believing that since we acknowledged our own needs, then that acknowledgment equates to: we didn't hold up our end, and we now aren't able to accept ourselves.
Everything About Me is Unacceptable
FEAR
I'm not going to be ok, I can't keep this up. Low grade panic becomes unrelenting.
➖
NEEDS
are finally acknowledged and expressed by you, and/or action is taken by you.
➖
SHAME
Why didn't I try harder? That disclosure/request was unacceptable and unforgivable. Chronic remorse bites down.
We become terrified to let others down but inevitably run out of tolerance for our own discomfort. Seeking relief, we divert our exhaustion with immediate and ongoing options, such as, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, affairs, and yes, hours upon hours of social media. These all reliably lead back to shame because very little is actually getting processed anywhere. You're just a walking nerve trying to hold back and hold on. Until you can't.
For some, this results in staying out of relationships so as to keep the stress level down and to stop the cycle. For others, it leads to problematic dating and an inability to peacefully be your own person when with another. Or, you love bomb and ultimately are the one who walks away!
One final note about what fear can become -
Hate is the exact measure of fear...
...I often hear clients claim their "ex is a narcissist" when, in fact, the client is a classic people pleaser who unfortunately got buried again by the fear/shame cycle. When each of us investigates our own fears, we begin to decrease the urge to generalize, criticize, dehumanize, and feel righteous in our own hate.
Hatred is an intense emotional response that is generally characterized by a desire to avoid, oppose, or destroy.
And I am sorry to hear that you and your former partner were unable to figure things out; after all, you really enjoyed them at one point.
HOW TO ACTUALLY LOVE YOURSELF
minute by minute
Re-Balancing
If you’re bored notice new things
If you’re stressed notice old things
Equilibrium is the balance between the new and the familiar
Smile
when you do something correctly, this triggers the brain to release neuropeptides, especially when you're stressed.
Worrying
Tell yourself to 'put down the heavy bag.'
This shifts the mind from a state of anxious resistance (overload) and invites the body to join in acceptance (relief).
-
Body Load
Anger is an unmet expectation.
If you want to let go of the anger, release the expectation.
The rule of thumb when working with anger is the practice that thoughts can always change.
So, are you choosing to rebalance, or are you choosing to stay rankled, bitter, annoyed and uptight?
Resentment
Is cold anger that becomes self pity.
It begins as genuine anger (in the body) that becomes an idea (in the mind) to where you tell yourself that
something is being done to you, when in fact-- this state (not the cause) is actually chosen by you.
Anger
Is a notification, a propulsion, and a release...remember...thoughts can always change, but only if you permit them to.
If you’re bored notice new things
If you’re stressed notice old things
Equilibrium is the balance between the new and the familiar
Smile
when you do something correctly, this triggers the brain to release neuropeptides, especially when you're stressed.
Worrying
Tell yourself to 'put down the heavy bag.'
This shifts the mind from a state of anxious resistance (overload) and invites the body to join in acceptance (relief).
-
Body Load
Anger is an unmet expectation.
If you want to let go of the anger, release the expectation.
The rule of thumb when working with anger is the practice that thoughts can always change.
So, are you choosing to rebalance, or are you choosing to stay rankled, bitter, annoyed and uptight?
Resentment
Is cold anger that becomes self pity.
It begins as genuine anger (in the body) that becomes an idea (in the mind) to where you tell yourself that
something is being done to you, when in fact-- this state (not the cause) is actually chosen by you.
Anger
Is a notification, a propulsion, and a release...remember...thoughts can always change, but only if you permit them to.
Grounding Techniques
to help stop cyclical compulsions and a need to think, think, think, think, think...
5,4,3,2,1 technique
Identify five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
COLORS, REFLECTIONS & SHADOWS technique
Choose a color and name five things that are that color in your immediate vicinity (orange vase, orange hat...)
Locate five shadows that you see in your immediate vicinity and name the shadow (lamp's shadow on the table...)
Locate five reflections that you see in your immediate vicinity and name the reflection (the door reflected in my computer...)
Bonus Points
Locate five shadows that are crossing other shadows (the fiddle fig shadow across the coffee table shadow...)
Locate five reflections from light (the lamp light reflecting on the dresser, the window light reflected in the glass table...)
Straw Breathing
shape your lips as if to sip from a straw. Breathe in delicately and super slowly over a count of 4. Breathe our over a count of 8
to help stop cyclical compulsions and a need to think, think, think, think, think...
5,4,3,2,1 technique
Identify five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
COLORS, REFLECTIONS & SHADOWS technique
Choose a color and name five things that are that color in your immediate vicinity (orange vase, orange hat...)
Locate five shadows that you see in your immediate vicinity and name the shadow (lamp's shadow on the table...)
Locate five reflections that you see in your immediate vicinity and name the reflection (the door reflected in my computer...)
Bonus Points
Locate five shadows that are crossing other shadows (the fiddle fig shadow across the coffee table shadow...)
Locate five reflections from light (the lamp light reflecting on the dresser, the window light reflected in the glass table...)
Straw Breathing
shape your lips as if to sip from a straw. Breathe in delicately and super slowly over a count of 4. Breathe our over a count of 8
Why Do These Techniques Help?
Colors/Objects/Shadows
The Brain is Bi-lateral, with each hemisphere providing a variety of different functions
The left hemisphere is primarily responsible for the language-based task of naming, while the right hemisphere is more involved in visual processing and categorization of color, especially in pre-linguistic stages.
Naming the color, shape, or shadow of objects in a room calms us down by shifting focus to a logical, left-brain activity, and this counteracts anxiety-driven emotions that are processed in the right side of the brain! Accessing both hemispheres of the brain pulls focus away from overwhelming feelings found in the body, while the inherent calming properties of certain colors and shapes of shadows generate a state of metacognitive, non-activating "resting awareness."
Resting Awareness is the perfect marriage between mind and body.
Breathing
By slowing and controlling the breath, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system AKA the "rest and digest" response, (counteracting "fight or flight" response－which requires faster heart rate and faster breathing.) Exhaling more slowly, stimulates the vagus nerve, helping to regulate the heart rate, which in turn sends signals to the brain that it’s time/ok to 'calm down.'
The Practice
Every technique improves with consistency. The more you incorporate these practices into your daily life, the more efficient they become (just as learning to walk, holding a fork, and balancing improved when you were a kid).
Colors/Objects/Shadows
The Brain is Bi-lateral, with each hemisphere providing a variety of different functions
The left hemisphere is primarily responsible for the language-based task of naming, while the right hemisphere is more involved in visual processing and categorization of color, especially in pre-linguistic stages.
Naming the color, shape, or shadow of objects in a room calms us down by shifting focus to a logical, left-brain activity, and this counteracts anxiety-driven emotions that are processed in the right side of the brain! Accessing both hemispheres of the brain pulls focus away from overwhelming feelings found in the body, while the inherent calming properties of certain colors and shapes of shadows generate a state of metacognitive, non-activating "resting awareness."
Resting Awareness is the perfect marriage between mind and body.
Breathing
By slowing and controlling the breath, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system AKA the "rest and digest" response, (counteracting "fight or flight" response－which requires faster heart rate and faster breathing.) Exhaling more slowly, stimulates the vagus nerve, helping to regulate the heart rate, which in turn sends signals to the brain that it’s time/ok to 'calm down.'
The Practice
Every technique improves with consistency. The more you incorporate these practices into your daily life, the more efficient they become (just as learning to walk, holding a fork, and balancing improved when you were a kid).
Code for your Daily Program
Negative Capability
Another step back to the reasoned thinking self is similar to what Romantic lyric poet John Keats called negative capability. His idea framed confusion and uncertainty as messengers whose job was not to deliver us answers, but rather, to bring us to deeper understanding about our own genuine experience with the world when it is not aligned. To be befuddled is to learn and then come to recognize.
Another step back to the reasoned thinking self is similar to what Romantic lyric poet John Keats called negative capability. His idea framed confusion and uncertainty as messengers whose job was not to deliver us answers, but rather, to bring us to deeper understanding about our own genuine experience with the world when it is not aligned. To be befuddled is to learn and then come to recognize.
'Negative capability is when one is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason'
Life requires people to experience the world as it is, an unfolding and uncertain place. This gives rise to a wide array of new perspectives and self-understanding that are essentially impossible to locate if we insist on immediate resistance or acquiescence
Success Leaves Clues
Californians must protect each other
respect human rights
respect human rights