Working with individuals and relationships of all varieties
Contact Me
For more information or scheduling
For more information or scheduling
We unite to create!
The question becomes, what are we creating?
The question becomes, what are we creating?
The Four Basics
1. Do you find yourself struggling with perfection, or having a need to be consistent all of the time?
2. Are you drawn towards intensity so as to feel something other than what you might actually be feeling about yourself?
3. Do you typically look at what isn't working, as opposed to what is?
4. Are you someone who needs to know everything because you're unsure of yourself, or perhaps because you can't tolerate the unknown?
Therapy can help.
1. Do you find yourself struggling with perfection, or having a need to be consistent all of the time?
2. Are you drawn towards intensity so as to feel something other than what you might actually be feeling about yourself?
3. Do you typically look at what isn't working, as opposed to what is?
4. Are you someone who needs to know everything because you're unsure of yourself, or perhaps because you can't tolerate the unknown?
Therapy can help.
Happiness is a Series of Choices
🀰 🀰 🀰
Individuals (27 years old and older)
I work with adults from a variety of classes and cultures, who find that they use avoidance and emotional distancing to protect themselves from uncertainty or from expressing who they truly are. With little inquiry, we find some people take simple ideas and turn them into beliefs. These presumed narratives turn worlds upside down leading to dread, blame, withdrawal and other uncomfortable emotional states.
Together, you and I can uncover ways for you to take ownership of your genuinely experienced feelings. How?
Two Basic Ideas
One is that needs are necessities and these are nothing to feel shame about.
The second is the idea that true satisfaction and forgiveness are each a gradual process.
Emotional soundness settles in when we repeatedly acknowledge true limits. And it's these mental and physical limits that keep us balanced, if we will listen! The more we realistically communicate the two basic ideas above to ourselves, the more others begin to respond better to them in us too.
Self-limiting Concepts
These get reinforced every time we give ourselves permission to lead a life of minimum expectation. If we mostly rely on negativity as the answer, then health becomes profoundly affected by low self-esteem, broken agreements, and difficult moments.
Want to know what a healthy boundary looks like?
Healthy boundaries have no symptoms
Want to know what positive self-regard looks like?
Focusing on your skills more than your faults
Want to know the difference between thinking and feeling?
Emotions tend to be one word. Thinking tends to be a description.
I work with adults from a variety of classes and cultures, who find that they use avoidance and emotional distancing to protect themselves from uncertainty or from expressing who they truly are. With little inquiry, we find some people take simple ideas and turn them into beliefs. These presumed narratives turn worlds upside down leading to dread, blame, withdrawal and other uncomfortable emotional states.
Together, you and I can uncover ways for you to take ownership of your genuinely experienced feelings. How?
Two Basic Ideas
One is that needs are necessities and these are nothing to feel shame about.
The second is the idea that true satisfaction and forgiveness are each a gradual process.
Emotional soundness settles in when we repeatedly acknowledge true limits. And it's these mental and physical limits that keep us balanced, if we will listen! The more we realistically communicate the two basic ideas above to ourselves, the more others begin to respond better to them in us too.
Self-limiting Concepts
These get reinforced every time we give ourselves permission to lead a life of minimum expectation. If we mostly rely on negativity as the answer, then health becomes profoundly affected by low self-esteem, broken agreements, and difficult moments.
Want to know what a healthy boundary looks like?
Healthy boundaries have no symptoms
Want to know what positive self-regard looks like?
Focusing on your skills more than your faults
Want to know the difference between thinking and feeling?
Emotions tend to be one word. Thinking tends to be a description.
The Curation of your Life: False Necessity
Hour by hour you are exchanging your life for fantasy, conformity, and unintended irritation when there is a dependence on social media and other engineered forms of cultural organization. Perpetual engagement alters the relationship between I AM and original thinking. It puts a strain on your tolerance to experience things that you do not intentionally seek out, and sis, you know it's true. The inability to merely sit, wait, look or listen judders into a state of anticipatory unease, especially when it's coupled with an inability to relax on your own.
Hour by hour you are exchanging your life for fantasy, conformity, and unintended irritation when there is a dependence on social media and other engineered forms of cultural organization. Perpetual engagement alters the relationship between I AM and original thinking. It puts a strain on your tolerance to experience things that you do not intentionally seek out, and sis, you know it's true. The inability to merely sit, wait, look or listen judders into a state of anticipatory unease, especially when it's coupled with an inability to relax on your own.
→ Why'd I argue over text? Why'd I react on the post like that? Why'd I ask, shoulda left it alone. Why'd I say yes, NOOO!
Spinning in a
Fear/Shame Cycle
Where emotions work in two directions simultaneously
Shame shudders at the past and Fear awaits the future
Fear/Shame Cycle
Where emotions work in two directions simultaneously
Shame shudders at the past and Fear awaits the future
Repetition Compulsion
FEAR is shame based
shows up when we feel trapped or engulfed by a person or situation, plus we don't want to hurt or disappoint
SHAME is fear based
shows up when or if we take care of our own needs, which equals now we feel bad, or less good
Fear returns with Shame
leaving us feeling awful believing that we let others down
--
We become terrified to let others down and inevitably run out of tolerance. Seeking relief we make other bad choices (drinking, drugs, workaholic, affairs, breakup) which all lead back to shame.
→ (fear) I'm getting buried. I'm not going to be ok. I have to end this thing.
→ (shame) Why did I breakup? I feel unacceptable. It's unforgivable. What will people think? I'm so horrible.
FEAR is shame based
shows up when we feel trapped or engulfed by a person or situation, plus we don't want to hurt or disappoint
SHAME is fear based
shows up when or if we take care of our own needs, which equals now we feel bad, or less good
Fear returns with Shame
leaving us feeling awful believing that we let others down
--
We become terrified to let others down and inevitably run out of tolerance. Seeking relief we make other bad choices (drinking, drugs, workaholic, affairs, breakup) which all lead back to shame.
→ (fear) I'm getting buried. I'm not going to be ok. I have to end this thing.
→ (shame) Why did I breakup? I feel unacceptable. It's unforgivable. What will people think? I'm so horrible.
wowser, needs are hard
👹
👹
Real life engagement makes you better able to understand your current feelings, because HERE is the crossroad where what is actual becomes what is knowable. Authentic feelings encountered in actual time and space help liberate you from digitized arrangements (where you are more prone to react in a knee jerk fashion) due to the superficial virtual distance that seemingly evaporates not long after the moment you've made your strike.
Sure you can block or unfriend someone but that doesn't remove what happened. And yes, you can ghost someone but the fish bowl where you know them will not change. This constant cleaving and hiding is not good for you and it follows and precedes you, as well.
The first step back to the self is similar to what Romantic lyric poet John Keats called negative capability. His idea framed confusion and uncertainty as messengers whose job was not to deliver us answers, but rather, to bring us to deeper understanding about our own genuine experience with the world when it is not aligned. To be befuddled is to learn and then come to recognize.
Sure you can block or unfriend someone but that doesn't remove what happened. And yes, you can ghost someone but the fish bowl where you know them will not change. This constant cleaving and hiding is not good for you and it follows and precedes you, as well.
The first step back to the self is similar to what Romantic lyric poet John Keats called negative capability. His idea framed confusion and uncertainty as messengers whose job was not to deliver us answers, but rather, to bring us to deeper understanding about our own genuine experience with the world when it is not aligned. To be befuddled is to learn and then come to recognize.
'Negative capability is when one is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason'
Life requires people to experience the world as it is, an unfolding and uncertain place. This gives rise to a wide array of new perspectives and self-understanding that are essentially impossible to locate if we insist on immediacy.
Couples (Companioned Cultures)
No matter the culture, gender, or sexuality, partners tend to struggle somewhere in these six areas the most:
sex/intimacy, time/space, information/money
These challenges can be present when we as lovers and partners aren't emotionally available, then discontent shows up when we fail to learn the signals in ourselves and in the ones we love. A failure to reflect on (self) activation/arousal reads as neglecting to show that we care.
Frustration becomes a frequent expression with partners and it can be misconstrued as disaffection. Ask yourself what the function of your feelings might be? Perhaps those same feelings convey one meaning to your partner but mean something, altogether, different for you.
When you're with your significant other do you become irritated when you're actually disappointed or sad? On the other hand, do you become embarrassed if you're actually feeling vulnerable? If you answered yes, we can explore and develop better practices with self-awareness, self-reflection, self-concept, and self esteem in that order!
--
No matter the culture, gender, or sexuality, partners tend to struggle somewhere in these six areas the most:
sex/intimacy, time/space, information/money
These challenges can be present when we as lovers and partners aren't emotionally available, then discontent shows up when we fail to learn the signals in ourselves and in the ones we love. A failure to reflect on (self) activation/arousal reads as neglecting to show that we care.
Frustration becomes a frequent expression with partners and it can be misconstrued as disaffection. Ask yourself what the function of your feelings might be? Perhaps those same feelings convey one meaning to your partner but mean something, altogether, different for you.
When you're with your significant other do you become irritated when you're actually disappointed or sad? On the other hand, do you become embarrassed if you're actually feeling vulnerable? If you answered yes, we can explore and develop better practices with self-awareness, self-reflection, self-concept, and self esteem in that order!
--
♔ ♕
Welcome to the 21st Century
Challenges to outdated Straight tropes and other Coupling Conventions
Welcome to the 21st Century
Challenges to outdated Straight tropes and other Coupling Conventions
Being in a Relationship proves my worth
Well, no. How we take care, carry ourselves, and recover, given the daily battles that we incur with body aches and pains, technology, traffic, work, family, strangers, or friends typically tells us more about our intrinsic value. Companionship is a whole other movie.
We've been together for 3 years and friends and family are asking when we're ‘taking the next step,’ but we feel solid, here
Couples who remain committed to one another while maintaining their own individuation are healthy, mature, and reasonable.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn't work, stop.
Don't go to bed mad
Well, of course you can. You're emotionally exhausted, you're not thinking clearly anymore, nor are you feeling the least bit receptive. It's better to let things breathe than to feel hurt and then become hurtful. Go to Bed.
Sleeping in the same bed assures a healthy marriage
Having a primary and secondary bedroom permits the couple time to reset, recharge, and spend much needed time alone for rest and relaxation, as each spouse sees fit. It's often quite invigorating to choose 'date nights' to sleep with one another, as opposed to begrudgingly choosing the opposite.
We are great together and thriving in our careers, but our parents want grandkids.
Not all people have children or want them. Namely, those who thrive in their careers and derive enjoyment out of their own mobility, creativity, and pleasure with versatility. Not having kids doesn't mean a thing, other than you as a couple have different priorities as a couple.
If I get a Divorce, my friends and family will think I failed
Staying married doesn’t mean that you’re happy as a person.
Getting divorced doesn’t mean that the two of you are unhappy when paired.
Many, many couples come to find that their love for one another over the course of time makes more sense to not be together, than it does to be together.
Well, no. How we take care, carry ourselves, and recover, given the daily battles that we incur with body aches and pains, technology, traffic, work, family, strangers, or friends typically tells us more about our intrinsic value. Companionship is a whole other movie.
We've been together for 3 years and friends and family are asking when we're ‘taking the next step,’ but we feel solid, here
Couples who remain committed to one another while maintaining their own individuation are healthy, mature, and reasonable.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn't work, stop.
Don't go to bed mad
Well, of course you can. You're emotionally exhausted, you're not thinking clearly anymore, nor are you feeling the least bit receptive. It's better to let things breathe than to feel hurt and then become hurtful. Go to Bed.
Sleeping in the same bed assures a healthy marriage
Having a primary and secondary bedroom permits the couple time to reset, recharge, and spend much needed time alone for rest and relaxation, as each spouse sees fit. It's often quite invigorating to choose 'date nights' to sleep with one another, as opposed to begrudgingly choosing the opposite.
We are great together and thriving in our careers, but our parents want grandkids.
Not all people have children or want them. Namely, those who thrive in their careers and derive enjoyment out of their own mobility, creativity, and pleasure with versatility. Not having kids doesn't mean a thing, other than you as a couple have different priorities as a couple.
If I get a Divorce, my friends and family will think I failed
Staying married doesn’t mean that you’re happy as a person.
Getting divorced doesn’t mean that the two of you are unhappy when paired.
Many, many couples come to find that their love for one another over the course of time makes more sense to not be together, than it does to be together.
⎮◦
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VOLUNTARY
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE VOLUNTARY
KJ's Coupling Clues that work as signs along the way
Clue One: Appearance or wealth are not accurate predictors of good loving
Clue Two: Memory and desire can be at odds with one another
Clue Three: Coupling comes at the cost of certainty
Clue Four: Routine and rebellion are borne of two joined Individuals who have become a union of opposites
All Clues, Equal This: The longevity of a relationship has to do with yielding, at times, to unwanted forms of transformation where neither the full shape or import of that alteration can be known in advance.
Emotional Warning Lights
Guilt lingers when we disregard other's principles (boundaries)
ex: They asked me to respect our agreement and I didn't.
Shame lingers when we abandon our own principles
ex: I just couldn't own up to the fact that I broke our agreement.
Tip:
Let go of the idea that criticism, blame, or demands (CBD) will bring resolve
Clues Ignored
Grief claims us, when we feel that what binds us can also strand us and we become wrecked
Moral of the Story
Before the possibility of losing a partner arrives, generate daily self-regard, support, and other interests, so as not to become lost in your partner. For best results, keep your individuality and lose the resentment
Boon
And if the inevitable comes, do yourself a favor: Appreciate the ones who set you free and trust what gets eliminated, as this is the actual beginning towards something new that will define deeper self-understanding.
Clue One: Appearance or wealth are not accurate predictors of good loving
Clue Two: Memory and desire can be at odds with one another
Clue Three: Coupling comes at the cost of certainty
Clue Four: Routine and rebellion are borne of two joined Individuals who have become a union of opposites
All Clues, Equal This: The longevity of a relationship has to do with yielding, at times, to unwanted forms of transformation where neither the full shape or import of that alteration can be known in advance.
Emotional Warning Lights
Guilt lingers when we disregard other's principles (boundaries)
ex: They asked me to respect our agreement and I didn't.
Shame lingers when we abandon our own principles
ex: I just couldn't own up to the fact that I broke our agreement.
Tip:
Let go of the idea that criticism, blame, or demands (CBD) will bring resolve
Clues Ignored
Grief claims us, when we feel that what binds us can also strand us and we become wrecked
Moral of the Story
Before the possibility of losing a partner arrives, generate daily self-regard, support, and other interests, so as not to become lost in your partner. For best results, keep your individuality and lose the resentment
Boon
And if the inevitable comes, do yourself a favor: Appreciate the ones who set you free and trust what gets eliminated, as this is the actual beginning towards something new that will define deeper self-understanding.
⎯ Relationships often end in the same manner they begin ⎯
with one person somewhat lost and the other one searching
with one person somewhat lost and the other one searching
to all my former lovers with whom these lessons were learned together, my gratitude and respect
⚉ •. ⚆
⚉ •. ⚆
🐿️
Advice for people
who are friends with a person in a stormy relationship
Break ups have a way of becoming reconciliations
If there is no domestic violence, it’s best to simply watch your friends like the weather. When they’re into their partner, that’s where you should be, and if they’re having some trouble with their partner but aren’t asking for your opinion, then simply support that inclement state. Your friend, sister, brother, or even co-worker’s emotional state with their partner is not up to you. It’s not your fight nor is it yours to be unmoving about.
So be a good friend.
Meet them where they are
🏌🏾♂️
Advice for people
who are friends with a person in a stormy relationship
Break ups have a way of becoming reconciliations
If there is no domestic violence, it’s best to simply watch your friends like the weather. When they’re into their partner, that’s where you should be, and if they’re having some trouble with their partner but aren’t asking for your opinion, then simply support that inclement state. Your friend, sister, brother, or even co-worker’s emotional state with their partner is not up to you. It’s not your fight nor is it yours to be unmoving about.
So be a good friend.
Meet them where they are
🏌🏾♂️
Specialization
For information on Poly, Consensual non-monogamy (CNM), Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), or Relationship Anarchy (RA) click Specialization above then scroll down to Companioned Cultures
For information on Poly, Consensual non-monogamy (CNM), Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), or Relationship Anarchy (RA) click Specialization above then scroll down to Companioned Cultures
Americans must protect each other
respect human rights
respect human rights